One from the vault...

Two years ago my little buddy and I spent an afternoon together when his mom went to run errands. I remembered writing this to let her know what she missed out on while she was gone...

Pampers should be labeled "FRONT" and "BACK"

Baby wipes are packed in 2- use packages - 80 in a bag but when you try to get one- you get 40- so...

A baby being diapered by a rookie can get the diaper OFF faster than the rookie can get it on

After 3 failed diapering attempts the reigning philosophy becomes-
"What's so bad about running around the house naked?"

After cleaning up many small unidentified puddles and one particularly nasty packet
you understand what's so bad.

The time limit for a shower for the sitter is 30 seconds - after that every toy in the house and a fully dressed 2 year old will be joining you- and the hope of getting the scratchy bits at your heels scrubbed smooth will be a thing of the past.

If a baby places the end of the toilet paper roll in the toilet and water pressure in said commode is fair to middling, when he flushes (repeatedly) the paper will spin off the roll and straight to the Hudson River- fast, very fast. ( say, in the 30 seconds it takes the babysitter to shower.)

Don't give the baby the tube of toothpaste ever,- even if he says please.

Over the course of the day you will string words you never thought you would together,
such as "Do NOT ride the FAN" and " Stop climbing the venetian blinds"

Questions like "Where did you put your diaper? (my cel phone?, the laptop?, the keys?)" will go unanswered - no matter how often repeated or how loudly. Any answers given will be in gibberish and be protected by the Geneva convention.

If the question is- "He can't fit in there, can he?" the answer is always "Yes, yes he can." He just can't get OUT.

If a baby out of visual range laughs- its bad- if he's quiet- it's worse

A child who will eat dirt with his bare hands will not touch his French toast if there is a crumb in the pool of syrup.

Afternoon naps are a myth perpetuated by hospitals to keep their ob-gyn business healthy

And finally: A babysitter who allows a 2 year old to play with a radiator under the assumption that cast iron is "pretty darned durable" overestimates 19th century craftsmanship and underestimates the ingenuity of the 2 year old.

:) X