Beep Beep

Tomorrow, October 10th at 8:00 am I take my road test.

Now, I have done this before. A long time ago. Fifteen YEARS ago. I got my license then as an act of "I'll show YOU" to the world after my divorce. Yep- I was married, long time ago- so long ago I think the marriage license was chiseled into tablets left over from the Ten Commandments. The thing about learning to drive as an act of vengeance (I got custody of our Dodge Ram van and was tired of just dusting it) is that I didn't focus so much on the road as I did on the sidewalk, hoping to see my ex walking by and wanting him see me cruising by independent, free and LITERALLY moving on. In this particularly ill-chosen mode I tended to bump into things. Fire hydrants (check) Curbs (oh my yes) and other vehicles (kind of- only parked ones- I left a note, always, the gist of the note being something along the line of oops, sorry, I am new at this. Really REALLY sorry... and then the number of my insurance company, which has since gone out of business- I don't think it was my fault. probably not... maybe not)

Mind you- living in NYC it is far from uncommon for an adult to never get a driver's license. HERE no one says "You don't DRIVE?" In other parts of the country this exclamation is delivered with much the same shock as finding out you are from another planet with an ammonia based atmosphere- "You mean you don't breath OXYGEN?" Or an American in any country in the world who discovers that EVERYONE doesn't speak English- no matter how loudly you shout it at them.

I have been taking lessons at 6:45 am for the past couple of weeks with Jose of the Amin Driving school. The school's receptionist's name is Fema. When she told me this I realized I had found the perfect school for me as anyone whose name was the same as the acronym for the Federal Emergency Management Agency could probably handle anything I threw at them. Look at how well they handled Katrina (ahem).

My teacher's name is Jose. I think I may be a bit of a relief as most of his students seem to be 16 year old girls more focussed on the rear view mirror for eyeliner checks than upcoming traffic. Jose has had two major problems in teaching me. The first is that whenever I practice parallel parking I am attacked by mosquitos. We practice parking on the world's MOST deserted streets- and I have been lining up the car parallel to the same pile of chicken bones for two weeks without it ever being moved. Even stray cats give these roads a miss. This paired with the unseasonable heat is a breeding ground for all kinds of bugs- but they only bite me- not when I am doing K-turns, or practicing driving in reverse- just when I need to look for the 3rd cone in the rear view- it is some sort of insectian signal to belly up to the banquet. It is really difficult to swat and steer simultaneously. Hopefully it has taught me to park under duress- a cranky Newark inspector will be a piece of cake after enduring the ravening mosquito swarms of Northern New Jersey. The SECOND problem Jose has is getting me to slow down. I think this may have to do with having spent time on the motorcycle this summer- or my natural tendency to just do EVERYTHING really fast- I just go from zero to yippee in less than a minute leaving Jose muttering under his breath in Spanish something about going back to his small town in Ecuador where the roads are not yet paved and thus relatively free of "gringas loca".

The last thing is- I can be a bit...cavalier when crossing streets. Anyone who ever loved me has more than once thrown his or her arm out in front of my shoulders effectively clotheslining me (ok- explanation of being clotheslined? You have seen this in cartoons- character is running and not looking where they are going- runs neck first into a clothes line- head gets jerked back as body continues moving forward). This act on the part of my well meaning and loving friend is usually followed by a long lecture on not walking into oncoming traffic. I have always had a privileged sense of right of way-(long before the movie) in the words of Sandra Bullock in "Miss Congeniality" "I'm GLIDING here". And have always felt that the world should look out when I am around. BUT. Now I look at the streets a bit differently. I see the signs and the rules and while I am basically only endangering MYSELF when I walk (and really my reflexes are pretty great) I cannot see myself being oblivious to the people around me when I am packing several thousand pounds of lethal metal around me going (conservatively speaking) 35 miles and hour (VERY conservatively speaking).

I like driving and as I write this I offer up a prayer to the Gods of Speed (thank you Burt Munro) and the NJDMV. I promise to be a good driver. To be careful and aware and to drive hybrids when I can and only to drive when I NEED to as cars are not so great for the environment. Please, please let me pass the road test and I will endeavor to avoid squirrels, pigeons, hydrants and innocent curbs.

But the mosquitos are fair game.

:)X