Where faith lies

"faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11

Interesting conundrum, faith. "Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to"- that is what Maureen O'Hara tells a 6 year old Natalie Wood in the "Miracle on 34th Street". Her very intelligent response is "That doesn't make sense Mommy". And there we have it- even at 6 a New Yorker can see if the sign doesn't say "Walk"... we ain't walking- common sense overrides our belief in our faith in our feets. We may run- but we're not walking.

In "Rent" one man living with AIDS said- I'm a New Yorker- fear's my life." But then goes on to say "I try to open up to what I don't know, because reason says I should have died three years ago... "

Moments like that- when there is nothing else- when you have exhausted all reasonable and horrible expectations. I think for many people- that is when we grab onto faith. And at least if the worst happens- we can face it with less fear.

Lately I have been struggling with things going well. I feel almost as if I have lived my life with a bomb shelter in the basement- all ready should the worst come I could hide encased in cement. But truly, even being in a safe place- encased in cement is no way to live your life. It's cold. It only comes in gray. Quelle drab. Very not me.

I have spoken of my fears before- snakes, motorcycles, excel spreadsheets and bonus checks- we all have our own mishegoss- that is the Yiddish word for... nonsense. I'm just brave, or foolish enough to own up to mine. And lately the question of faith is in what is going well. What if it's GONE? And had you ever asked me I would say I was the Charlie Brownest of optimists tearing up to the football EVERY time. But I think it may be that my faith has been not so much that the ball would be there but that I would survive the fall and the disappointment. I'm a New Yorker- fear is my life. There is no basis for dealing with all this good...

I told a dear friend the other night-" I don't know what I want." He laughed- "It sounds like you ABSOLUTELY know what you want- and you're getting it" and smirked at me. I reminded him that having an MSW isn't the same as having a license to be a smart-ass.

And being a scrappy survivor means folks ADMIRE you. When things are going well all you can DO is fake humility (no... the extra income is no big deal) Or minimize (It wasn't a HUGE bunch of flowers- just kinda...big) Or put it down (Yes the next trip is Hawaii but I have to WORK you know) This goes over like a lead balloon- especially if you are buying a sundress in February and the girl behind the counter asks WHY you are buying a sundress- this answer gets you tax charged on your purchase- even if there is no tax on clothing in New Jersey. I take this on the chin- this person is helping just a teensy bit to restore my faith in the status quo- things SHOULD be going badly. Shouldn't they? Oh wait- I just checked the receipt- she charged me for sunglasses- not tax. Oy.

So if faith is knowing what you want- or at least being sure of what you hope- shouldn't I hope for the best? Truth is I already have it. And when I get a bit shaky- I know who I can ask. Yov asks how good can you take it- I dunno. But it'd be a hell of a leap of faith to strain myself a little to find out. I guess for me faith comes a minute at a time- if the last year in any indication- the minutes are pretty good. I grateful for the minutes.... for me, it's where faith lies.