The UNcommon cold

This falls into the "I feel so ab-so-frickin-lutely awful death would be welcome" category. I don't get sick. Ever. I tell people that in a smug kind of way that says KEEP your healthy living no smoking no drinking in bed by 9 and only eat organic foods grown by monks in fair trade environments. I by virtue of a superior immune system and an unfailingly positive attitude can burn the candle at all ends, travel the country back and forth and suffer no ill effects- none whatsoever.

Til now.

This cold makes the bubonic plague look like a case of mild poison ivy. It laughs at Day-Quil (which makes me sleepy) and giggles uncontrollably at Nyquil leaving me gasping and re-reading Alan Sherman's autobiography at 4:20 am. I tried herbal remedies- which leave me feeling virtuous but still sniffling. Tea- ha- til it tastes like coffee it will do me no good at all. Starve a cold- ok- I survived a day on triscuits- which I ate trying to alleviate the itchiness at the back of my throat only to wake up choking like Minnie trying to hack up a hairball. I text friends at 5 am and try to leave them all my worldly possesions- the reply- I do not want your collection of vintage Handi-Wipes- just quit making my phone beep at 3 am.

OK- they go to the Smithsonian. My choice of placement? Right next to Archie Bunker's barcalounger. They are just THAT great a piece of Americana.

And to the friends kind enough to bring by soup, juice and various remedies- I thank you but placing them outside the door and running so as not to become infected themselves leaves me more than a little lonely and after 4 days in the house, even Minnie is giving me that "Don't you have someplace to GO?" look. Great- even my cat needs a bit more "personal space" in my hour of need.

Truth be told I am crummy company in this state- personal hygiene is limited to removing the 3 winter coats on my tongue precipitated by the incessant parade of Ricola drops. Bits of me are alternately too cold or too hot so I alternate between hanging over the oven or standing in an open doorway. And in an act of TOTAL denial, last night I decided I would NOT let this malady interfere with my Thanksgiving I baked pies. A feat which left me dizzy and clutching the table edge. I spent a bit of time on the phone last night in the midst of this saying how this cold was not affecting me even a little and heard my friend say- "You know you are WHEEZING"? Truth be told- I was happy air was going in and out of my lungs.

I am saying here and now to this strain of whatever it is that I picked up on Continental Airlines flying from New York to West Palm Beach- I give in. I am forcing liquids. I am laying in bed and letting the most strenuous thing I do be using the TV remote to flip channels and drinking tea until my eyes cross. I am taking Advil and using the lotion tissues which feel marginally less scratchy than the paper towels I was using before. There was a moment between 3 and 4 am when I thought for sure my nose was going to fall into the tissue every time I used one. And can I ask why it is in the nature of every human to look into the tissue after blowing? What will you see? A cracker jack prize? Some hidden fortune cookie message like "Good Health is not to be taken for Granted" written in unspeakable bodily fluids? Of course at that hour of the morning there is not a hell of a lot to see- you take your entertainment where you can.

So- I actually don't get sick- at least not in little bits- I get sick all at once. And here I am. Still typing. Need a tissue.

Scuse me.

:P X