Make Mine Water.... World Water Day March 22nd

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields


I was thumbing through NY Magazine's Best of NY issue looking for mention of the nameless paper store (Nope, nothin' oh well) When I came across a gorgeous essay on water by George Saunders

"Water thinks it's so GREAT. Water thinks its "all that." Floods, bloating, drowning, water on the brain; all of these I lay at the feet of water. When a toddler gets knocked down by a wave at the beach; when a gentle fat man carrying a bouquet slips on some ice, what is that liquid tinkling laughter you hear?

Water. " (the full text of this WONDERFUL piece of writing is no place else online that I can find- so I will type it in at the end of this entry)

This lovely piece of writing was actually a plug for www.tapproject.org- a UNICEF project for World Water Day, March 22nd. On that day you can visit a specific group of restaurants in NY, order a glass of water and it will be contributed to projects that get clean water places where it does not seem to be.

From the www.tapproject.org website:

NEW YORK TAP
New York tap water is an engineering miracle. The system, completed in 1915, uses a daily supply of 1.3 billion gallons of water from pristine upstate reservoirs, the largest unfiltered supply in the world.
Tap water is more stringently monitored and more tightly regulated than bottled water. New York City tap water, for example, was tested 430,600 times during 2004 alone.

WATER FACTS

Over 21 percent of children living in developing countries do not have access to clean water. That’s more than one billion people, or one in five children.
80 percent of all illness and infant mortality is due to waterborne disease. Lack of clean water is the second largest killer of children under five.

A LITTLE GOES A LONG WAY
With $1, UNICEF can provide 40 liters of safe drinking water, which is enough to give one child safe drinking water for 40 days, or forty children safe drinking water for one day.

I run the sink, like mad. I take really long showers and flush the toilet much more than is necessary. And I don't really think about water- this made me do so. Maybe you will too. You do not need to live in NY to participate- you folks in Alaska, Chicago and California and, and... there is a place on the site to donate for you as well. 40 liters of drinking water for $1. Beats the hell out of Evian- even at Costco.

Cheers!

:) X

A WORD AGAINST WATER by George Saunders

Water. It's a funny thing. Most of us don't give water a thought. I know I don't. I hate water. Water and I have "issues" Remember me, Lake Michigan? Guy in canoe, circa 1978, with girl of his dreams, playing air guitar, flies out of canoe, nearly drowns, emerges gasping, "Farrah Fawcett hair" plastered to his face, as his lady fair decides to dump him and marry Len "Hairy Back" Castelli?

Any of that jog your memory, oh mighty "Michi-Gami"?

So UNICEF, apologies, I'm exactly the wrong person to write about United Nations World Water Day. I never drink water, rarely bathe or shower. If it starts to rain I am inside immediately, flipping the heavens the bird. I get anywhere near a waterfall, I have a panic attack.

I am a perpetually smelly, extremely dehydrated, some even say'dessicated' person who has dedicated my life to infiltrating and debunking water.

Water thinks it's so GREAT. Water thinks its "all that". Floods, bloating, drowning, water on the brain; all of these I lay at the feet of water. When a toddler gets knocked down by a wave at the beach; when a gentle fat man carrying a bouquet slips on some ice, what is that liquid tinkling laughter you hear? Water.

Water's arrogant. Water literally thinks it's worth hundreds of dollars a glass. I have a secret tape of Water saying just this. What nerve! What does Water think it is, champagne? Oil? Does water think it's baby lotion on a day when one's baby's butt is very, very chafed? Speaking of diaper rash, what causes diaper rash? Yes ok, poop. But more specifically?

Moisture.

Water.

So what I say is let's take water down a notch. This MARCH 22, let's all go into New York City Restaurants and insult our tap Water by drastically UNDERPAYING for it, by paying a mere ONE DOLLAR for it!

Ha ha!

This will be so great!

Water, we will say, though we are supposedly "made of you" (a fact many reputable scientists dispute), you are not the boss of us. No. On this day, we are the boss of you.

I can see the frown on Water's face now. I can see the whole Atlantic Ocean "getting moody". There's the Mississippi River aka "Old Man Pouty River." Hey Great Lakes, who's great now?

Me. I am.

Shut up. Stay in that glass. Don't evaporate when I'm I'm talking to you.

Some of you may be saying: George, don't we normally get Water free in restaurants?

Yes, true. Water's usually all like: Oh, I don't mind being given away for free, there is so much of me. I am so clean and delicious, please enjoy.

To which I say: Hey, thanks, Mr. Largesse, how come you're not so clean and delicious everywhere in the world? How come, in many parts of the world, you stink and contain bacteria and are basically undrinkable?

At this point Water usually gets very quiet or starts babbling like a brook or making that plip-plip sound you sometimes hear when the toilet's refilling.

Bango! Right in the double hydrogen bond.

Go to parts of Africa, to Nepal, India. Hundreds of other places around the world: Our pal Water doesn't like these places very much. He shows up, if at all, in very limited quantities, in a disgusting condition. But because he's Mr. Liquid Hubris, he expects people who, unlike me, "need" Water, to use him anyway. And they do, and what happens? They get sick, they die.

That's the kind of guy he is: he shows up filthy, expects to be drunk.

OK. I admit it, there were times, when younger, when I often showed up filthy and expected to be drunk.

But we're not talking about me. We're talking about you, plus a restaurant. On MARCH 22nd, and that beautiful moment when, inspired you order a glass of Water, and gladly pay a dollar for it.

I intend to do so. Of course I won't drink it. I'll take it outside, to a quiet place, and wait, after all these years, for my apology.